9/12

Willie is dead. 

No name change… I feel like that would just be disrespectful.

He wasn’t my step brother for too long but for 5 years. 
He wasn’t nice always

But he was Willie

He was

Family.


“He died in his sleep”.

He was an addict. He was probably too fucked up and died after he passed out…

It sounds awful to accuse but it’s the truth. I just feel so numb to it. 

I don’t know why. 

But I do feel it. For some reason I just do.




It hurts

I hurt.

Advertisements

Taking it slow

I just don’t understand how people do it. 

We’re getting back together or at least trying to but were “taking it slow”.

How do you do that though? I don’t even know how to start from the beginning w Elias. How do you go from spending every single night w someone to only sporadically.

We say I Love You a million times a day to each other, over text and in person. But then now I’m in the hospital and I don’t even know how to ask him to come and stay w me here.

He’s like a stranger I know as well as I know the back of my hand, but still a stranger. 

Idk how to do this… Idk if I can.

I miss him

I miss the Elias I had

I miss what we had

I miss being able to call him in the middle of the night for whatever and he would come and vice versa

I miss the boy I fell in love w.

When plan A doesn’t work out, I guess lying is always a viable option, too…

Soooo a month after I broke up with my boyfriend, I found out I was pregnant.

FUCK.. am I right, or am I right???

However, when I first looked at that blue stick and found out – I had originally and immediately thought it belonged to Colin, a guy I had hooked up with 2 weeks earlier. A guy who also turned out to be friends with my ex, but I swear I swear I swear I didn’t know they knew each other!!!!

ANYWAY.

I tell Colin, he pays for part – then I get the ultrasound and it turns out I’m like way way way further along – like way further as in, completely unable to take the pill at this point and have to have the procedure, far along.

Which meant the only other person it could have been……

Was my ex.

 

I didn’t want to tell him. I couldn’t tell him. I loved him so much, and I really wanted to get back together – but how could I put yet another thing between us? Especially, something like this.

So… I did the only thing I could think to – I asked a friend for a loan. 

I could have told Elias... I should have told Elias.

But.. please understand. you HAVE to understand. what if...
what if he didn't want me to have an abortion? 

sure, he had a right to know - but in the end it is MY decision to make. whether i abort it or not. and if he didn't agree, would he try to stop me? would he even believe me? we were always so fucking careful... 

so WOULD HE even believe me?


Nonetheless, he was finally moving on from me.

I couldn’t hurt him even more than I already had.

Yes, yes I did regret breaking up with him.

Yes, yes I did still love him.

And even now, I still do.

[insert hyperlink]

 

So, when I asked my friend for the loan – Eric (my ex fuck buddy/good friend) actually and surprisingly agreed. He venom-ed me the rest of the money. I mean, I’m going to be paying him back for a long time, sure. but I don’t regret that decision.

It worked out well in a sense… When I broke up with Elias, I only did because my parents wanted me to. But, I knew. I fucking knew if I told Eli this, then he wouldn’t accept my break up – he would talk me back into it.

So, I lied.

I told him I cheated on him.

                                 Which I really really didn’t.

                     I swear.

But for so long, he thought I was fooling around with other guys…

                                  Which I really really wasn’t. 

                     I SWEAR.

But he truly believed I was… so I guess, what did it matter?

Just tell him what he wants to hear, I told myself.

It sounds crazy, but it WAS what he wanted to hear. Every time I denied it (honestly), he trusted me less and less because he thought he KNEW what I had done. He was never going to believe me. So, if I just lied and told him I had – then maybe he would finally get some sort of closure from it.

From me.

 

However; I had to cross all my t’s and dot all my i’s. I love my best friend, but I know that anyone can read her like an open book. If she thought I had cheated, then Elias would believe it because it was from my best friend, too.

The truth is: if i were to act on any infidelity… I would NOT tell Sophia. For this exact reason. She is too good a person… So, I alone would have to bare the truth.

I, alone, would bare the weight of the lie.

I, alone, will have to live with the lie.

So, I told the lie, and now… [hyperlink]

Now, I am living a life based off a whole fucking intricate web of lies, all because I knew my boyfriend would never believe me when I said I didn’t cheat – but if I “admitted” that I had – he would believe it more so even than if I told him I was born with blonde hair and presented him withphotographic proof of such.

No proof or convincing needed for this one lie. All that was needed, were those four little words.

 

I cheated on you.

And then some, to take it further…

You were not the father.