I’m thinking back. I’m remembering; not a lot, just small snippets, words, flashes, emotions, questions, and haze. For the most part, I don’t know what happened that night. The last thing I remember clearly was kissing him at the bar. And falling- or did I just slightly slip? I remember sitting on his lap in a small car. I remember being in an apartment and standing by an island/bar thing in the kitchen. I think we were at [[off-campus student apartment complex]]. I remember Alec handing me a glass of water. I remember swaying quite a bit and propping myself up against the wall. I remember thinking that this was almost certainly the drunkest I’ve ever been that I could consciously acknowledge.
I’ve been full on blacked out once before, but the pieces I can still sometimes grasp of that night, I did also acknowledge that I was drunk- but I wasn’t concerned about it the way I was with Alec that next time, the other previous time- I was happy drunk. I was “let’s go on an adventure” drunk, not “oh my god, I don’t know if I can walk to that door 5 ft away without falling.. I just want to lay down… I don’t care where, TBH. I don’t even care what Alec thinks of me and my drunkenness anymore. He’s nice. He’ll understand. I definitely need more water” drunk, like this next time.
I don’t remember walking to the door. I don’t remember sitting on the bed. I don’t remember who made the first move. I don’t remember if I was even present [at the time this was happening]. I think I remember kissing him in the bed, but I don’t know if I really do or if I just made it up in my head. I remember saying “condom! We have to use a condom.” But I don’t remember anything leading to that moment. Not at all from the moment Alec handed me that glass of water. I slightly remember him leading me to the bedroom but IDK if I actually do. I remember Alec saying “turn over- I want to take you from behind.” I think I remember obliging, actually no I don’t think I do.. IDK.
I remember a knocking on the wall from the other side of it, so I put my arm up and knocked back. I started to think about that movie I watched as a kid w that boy at a hotel who tried to save a monkey from his owner. The boy knocked on a suitcase -Idfk why but he did- and he heard knocking back. It was the monkey inside. Dunston Checks In. When I knocked back, I think Alec told me not to and pulled my hand back down. I don’t know when this occurred in the time we were in the bed. The bed with no sheets.
I remember feeling uncomfortable. It is my strongest memory. I was being watched. I was sitting in the bed, somewhat attempting to cover myself with spare pieces of Alec’s clothing. I was naked under them. The fat guy was standing there. On Alec’s left. He was watching me. He was saying Alec didn’t even live there. That this was his room. His bed. Not Alec’s. He asked me if I was really naked and covering myself with Alec’s clothes. I remember Alec’s other super strong friend who I always thought seemed nice, being on his other side. His right side. FatBoy on his left. I remember feeling uncomfortable. Scared uncomfortable. Like something bad was going to happen uncomfortable. I felt ridiculed. I felt judged. I felt laughed at and made fun of. I felt like a joke. Like entertainment for them. I remember being afraid. I started to wonder if I was going to have to have sex with them too.
Alec gathered my clothes for me. I remember getting dressed while they all watched me.
I want to cry as I reflect on that part of the night, that is how uncomfortable I feel about it. I want to cry and talk to someone.
Allison. I want to talk to Allison. I’ve told Milla parts, but I don’t really trust her with all of it. She doesn’t believe in… this sort of thing.
I laughed most of it off- like I was just embarrassed. But I’m not. I’m humiliated- in the deepest and most disturbed way I’ve ever known.
I think they saw me put my bra back on. I think they saw me put my thong [back] on. Idk if they saw anything though. I remember feeling uncomfortable and afraid. So afraid and so uncomfortable.
I want to talk to my mom about it, but I know she doesn’t want to hear about my sex life. And I don’t want her to call it rape and try to press charges or then try to pull me out of school here. Because it wasn’t rape. I wanted to hook up with him, just not right away. I wanted to wait, and hook up some time later on. I didn’t just want to give it up right away. I wanted to do it sometime in the future- like in a month or something.
But I always fuck up when I’m drunk. I do things on impulse and I don’t consider what Sober-Me wants. It’s like I have no boundaries, no morals, no self respect.
I should be studying for finals. I should be working on my make up work. I should be packing.
It’s 4:14 am.
I should be sleeping. But I can’t. I keep thinking back on that night.
My phone was broken. What if it hadn’t been? How would that have changed the events of it all? I think maybe I would have tried to call someone before I went into the bedroom. Or text. I might have texted Ari. Or Allison. Or Caleb. Or Tommy. Or Jason. Or Milla. Or even, Bella. I could have. I should have told them to come get me. I think I would have told them to come get me. I feel like I definitely would have. I’m attached to my phone. [Every time I go out] I choose someone I trust, and I text them all through the night. I know they can tell how drunk I’m getting with each text. I tell them exactly how I’m feeling and what I’m doing and where I am- if I know. I know I would have asked for help.
I feel taken advantage of. I feel embarrassed. And gross. I almost feel violated, even. I feel ridiculed and paranoid. What if they have told everyone and laugh about it between themselves?
I feel so uncomfortable. That’s the only truth I’ve disclosed with anyone about that night. I laugh it off. I put on a smile. [Waving my arms around elaborately] I exclaim about losing my wallet and breaking my phone, and act exasperated and faux-freak out that I may or may not have had sex with Alec. I act like its a joke; just another wild adventure on a night out in the life of India. But it’s not.
I feel more than uncomfortable about it all. I feel almost disturbed and IDEK.
There are worse things that have happened to other girls. Gang rape. Savagely abused. There are worse things.
But Alec was sober. Or at least a lot more than I was. Sober enough to see and understand and acknowledge how hammered I was. How gone [I was – how checked out I was]. He should have known better.
There are worse things, yet I still feel distraught over it. Like I don’t even know how to make sense [of it all]. I need to talk to Madonna about this. First thing when I get back. I’ll text her now.
But he was sober. He was stone cold sober. I was hammered. I can’t wrap my mind around that.
Couldn’t he tell? Couldn’t he see I was in no way, in any condition to make any responsible decisions, or even one at all.
Or maybe Alec could and he did; but he just chose to ignore it. IDK.
Disclaimer:: for the purpose of allowing all y’all to share the raw thoughts and emotions in this piece – the only edits I’ve made are in regard to format, names et al, and I also edited some of the writing BUT they were only the parts I felt you needed more information to better understand the train of thought I was following. I’ve bracketed and bolded my inserted information; however, I did not remove anything from the original writing.