A Open Letter to the Boy Who Let Me Forget

Dear Drew,

First, I’d like to make it clear and understood that I’m on a LOT of adder all right now.

Second… I’m sorry.

For what? Well… freaking out, not being the girl you thought I was going to be/the one you wanted me to be, not being the girl you ended up wanting to give your time to. Mostly I’m sorry for begin the girl you can’t be cool with after a break up.

I’m writing you this because I need to explain myself – and no in a way that would excuse my behavior for blowing up your phone, or in a way that would make you want me again. Because I know that won’t happen. I’m writing this because I need closure, something I’m not getting from you – therefore, I need to provide it for myself. For us both, maybe even. I say that because I don’t know where are at with this. You said it’s over, but you never gave me a real reason why. I’m still trying to make sense of it. Just like I’m still trying to make sense of what Elias did. It’s crazy because I should be over that by now.

And, I am.

In a sense.

Or not.

I don’t really know.

I don’t really know because I never dealt with those issues. I never healed. I put on a pretty new band aid over all the hurt he left behind. I put a new band aid on that was cute, and charming, and intelligent, and man, oh man, could that band-aid make me laugh. The truth is though… I only chose the band-aid because of the aisle I got it out of. I chose sit for all the wrong reasons – even worse, I started to like it, and pretty soon… I forgot about what it was hiding; the ugliness and the hurt and the pain and the betrayal I still felt from Elias. I forgot about it all, but I never healed.

You see the problem?

When the bandaid was ripped away; not only was there the sudden, stinging slap from the removal… but I was also slapped with the reminder of the previous betrayal and all the pain and the hurt that had never properly healed.

I’m sorry for the analogy and comparing you to a bandaid, but I felt it described the situation best. I used to pretend my problems and issues weren’t there, but they were and I should have dealt with them before getting involved with someone new. When you broke up with me, the reason it was so hard – it wasn’t because I’m crazy and totally psycho and going to be obsessed with you for the rest of my life.

It was because I was already hurting.

Even if I was able to pretend for a time that I wasn’t, I was and that’s the fact of it.

When you broke up with me, all those pre-existing and still unresolved issues resurfaced. That was why it hit me as hard as it did, and that’s why I overreacted the way that I did.

I’m sorry.

I’ll probably never know and never understand what happened, and what changed between us. And I need to be okay with that. I will be, eventually.

It honestly hurt so much that you walked away because I truly believed you wouldn’t. I believed it because I wanted to believe it. I needed to. I’m sorry for burdening you wight hat expectation and with my insecurities and issues.

I’m sorry for not being the person you thought I was, and for not being the person you wanted to give your time.

I genuinely think you are a wonderful person and I apologize for all the hurtful things I have said since the break up. I think you’re going to do amazing things in your life and I’m sorry I wont be there to see it, nor experience it by your side.

I’m sorry, and I wish you the best in life.

Love always,

The Girl with the Elephant Tattoo

Pledge Brothers and Pay-Back

Yeah, it’s possible I went home with and am now basically dating my ex-boyfriend’s pledge brother…

So, admittedly – when I went home with him that first night maybe I wasn’t so into him… it was just supposed to be payback… thats all. I was drunk from all the bottles of $5 wine I’d consumed, and he was cute and there, and there was something that was just telling me to do it. Maybe I just wanted to feel wanted again, for a night, just a night. Those other guys wanted me for a relationship and I wasn’t ready. I wanted a night, and I got relationship. How do I always do that?

I’ll admit it started out as just a rebound from Elias, and the fact Ducky is his pledge brother kind of made it even better. Like, fuck you, how’d you like that?! but honestly… it’s become something so much more. I really like him.

He’s everything Elias isn’t, and in the best of ways.

He’s honest with me about like everything; like, if he’s mad at me – he tells me. None of that petty, passive aggressive bullshit Elias pulled always. Plus, he told me up front that his ex would be at Okeechobee, unlike Elias who told me five minutes before it happened that I would be meeting the love of his life.

He has the same sense of humor as me. He doesn’t make me watch shitty shows like Archer and/or Family Guy that just have a not great storyline and even worse humor.

We like the same music. Well, maybe he pretends to like my music to keep me happy – but I like his music! No more lame jam band-types.

Ducky is still getting over Brooke. Which, yeah is kinda a let-down on the one hand, but also kinda great on the other because it means that we can get over someone we really loved together.

 

He’s making me feel whole again… something I didn’t think would happen for a very long time. Idk, maybe I’m just getting attached to the idea of a guy again. It’s possible, but I’m not so sure. I think it’s the real thing this time… I just hope it lasts.

He’s coming to NYC to see me for Spring Break, and I’m going to Okeechobee with him and all his friends.

 

We’ll see what happens.

 

New Year, New Me (lol jk – we’ll see)

So, Elias was cheating on me. AGAIN.

We’re done this time, for real. You might not believe me because a lot of girls will say the same thing and then take back their cheating ex, but not me. I have pay back planned – for both of them.

Him:

I’m going to get him back – just for a night because I know he will. I’ll take snaps of him in my bed and I’ll send them to her so she is aware of the sort of guy she is with… although that could backfire and he could get killed by her because she is a fucking PSYCHOPATH. she literally abused him – like CUT HIS FACE OPEN. and she slit her wrists when he chose me over her the first time. she’s fucking crazy.

Her: 

I already got her banned from her favorite bar where a certain bouncer is particularly taken with me. Now, I’m just going to find a way to get her banned from every other. She ruined my Christmas day by “sharing with me the truth” then, so I’m going to ruin every night out for her possible.

Am I not pettiest person you’ve ever met, or what…

Some days I think about it and I’m still so angry. Other days, I’m devastated. And then the rest of the days, I find it hilarious.

But I’m seriously hurting form it all still.

It helps definitely that I already have like 3 guys at school trying to be with me now.

SERIOUSLY. One of them just bought me a plane ticket to spend the weekend with him in Dallas, TX.

Another just banned that hoe from his bar.

AND another is like blowing up my phone day and night.

PLUS. I’ve already gotten laid by like 3 guys this year and its only the fifth… title should read – “New Year OLD ME” rather hahaha.

My mom has been amazing too. I told her that I withdrew from last semester and she was actually a lot more understandable about it than I thought she was going to be. She wants to get me a life coach or something so we can figure this all out!

Done [part 2]

just be done w all their bullshit, everyone else’s. not have to deal w their lies and excuses. their pathetic reasoning and pointing the finger at you for fucking up first. like it’s your fault they were a bad friend; they got sick; their dick ended up inside someone else’s – not just once though, oh no. No, it was more than a dozen times. bc its your fault they cheated on you. for an entire fucking fuck. that they had an affair w someone else. that stye had a RELATIONSHIP w someone else. while they were supposed to be w just you.

its your fault.

it always is.

because apparently everything is.

its already my fault that i can’t handle being in college and juggling only 3 fucking classes and am now failing all of them. its already my fault that I’m a failure and a half for my mom. not my dad though, he thinks I’m perfect. I’ve emailed him about this beautiful prefect clever girl who get straight As and can handle being in several different ezra curricular including starting new organizations.

he think I’m perfect.

no.

he thinks I’m my brother.

I can’t put all my happiness on Elias. i know that. and i don’t. or i try not to.

i really do try not to.

but I’m not enough

for anyone.

my mom.. elias.. sophia.. especially my dad tho.

I’m just not enough. i never am. i wish i could be, but I’ve never been enough for them.

not good enough or smart enough or skinny enough or pretty enough or nice enough or hard working enough or thoughtful enough or funny enough.

just not enough.

9/12

Willie is dead. 

No name change… I feel like that would just be disrespectful.

He wasn’t my step brother for too long but for 5 years. 
He wasn’t nice always

But he was Willie

He was

Family.


“He died in his sleep”.

He was an addict. He was probably too fucked up and died after he passed out…

It sounds awful to accuse but it’s the truth. I just feel so numb to it. 

I don’t know why. 

But I do feel it. For some reason I just do.




It hurts

I hurt.

Taking it slow

I just don’t understand how people do it. 

We’re getting back together or at least trying to but were “taking it slow”.

How do you do that though? I don’t even know how to start from the beginning w Elias. How do you go from spending every single night w someone to only sporadically.

We say I Love You a million times a day to each other, over text and in person. But then now I’m in the hospital and I don’t even know how to ask him to come and stay w me here.

He’s like a stranger I know as well as I know the back of my hand, but still a stranger. 

Idk how to do this… Idk if I can.

I miss him

I miss the Elias I had

I miss what we had

I miss being able to call him in the middle of the night for whatever and he would come and vice versa

I miss the boy I fell in love w.