First, I’d like to make it clear and understood that I’m on a LOT of adder all right now.
Second… I’m sorry.
For what? Well… freaking out, not being the girl you thought I was going to be/the one you wanted me to be, not being the girl you ended up wanting to give your time to. Mostly I’m sorry for begin the girl you can’t be cool with after a break up.
I’m writing you this because I need to explain myself – and no in a way that would excuse my behavior for blowing up your phone, or in a way that would make you want me again. Because I know that won’t happen. I’m writing this because I need closure, something I’m not getting from you – therefore, I need to provide it for myself. For us both, maybe even. I say that because I don’t know where are at with this. You said it’s over, but you never gave me a real reason why. I’m still trying to make sense of it. Just like I’m still trying to make sense of what Elias did. It’s crazy because I should be over that by now.
And, I am.
In a sense.
I don’t really know.
I don’t really know because I never dealt with those issues. I never healed. I put on a pretty new band aid over all the hurt he left behind. I put a new band aid on that was cute, and charming, and intelligent, and man, oh man, could that band-aid make me laugh. The truth is though… I only chose the band-aid because of the aisle I got it out of. I chose sit for all the wrong reasons – even worse, I started to like it, and pretty soon… I forgot about what it was hiding; the ugliness and the hurt and the pain and the betrayal I still felt from Elias. I forgot about it all, but I never healed.
You see the problem?
When the bandaid was ripped away; not only was there the sudden, stinging slap from the removal… but I was also slapped with the reminder of the previous betrayal and all the pain and the hurt that had never properly healed.
I’m sorry for the analogy and comparing you to a bandaid, but I felt it described the situation best. I used to pretend my problems and issues weren’t there, but they were and I should have dealt with them before getting involved with someone new. When you broke up with me, the reason it was so hard – it wasn’t because I’m crazy and totally psycho and going to be obsessed with you for the rest of my life.
It was because I was already hurting.
Even if I was able to pretend for a time that I wasn’t, I was and that’s the fact of it.
When you broke up with me, all those pre-existing and still unresolved issues resurfaced. That was why it hit me as hard as it did, and that’s why I overreacted the way that I did.
I’ll probably never know and never understand what happened, and what changed between us. And I need to be okay with that. I will be, eventually.
It honestly hurt so much that you walked away because I truly believed you wouldn’t. I believed it because I wanted to believe it. I needed to. I’m sorry for burdening you wight hat expectation and with my insecurities and issues.
I’m sorry for not being the person you thought I was, and for not being the person you wanted to give your time.
I genuinely think you are a wonderful person and I apologize for all the hurtful things I have said since the break up. I think you’re going to do amazing things in your life and I’m sorry I wont be there to see it, nor experience it by your side.
I’m sorry, and I wish you the best in life.
The Girl with the Elephant Tattoo