A Open Letter to the Boy Who Let Me Forget

Dear Drew,

First, I’d like to make it clear and understood that I’m on a LOT of adder all right now.

Second… I’m sorry.

For what? Well… freaking out, not being the girl you thought I was going to be/the one you wanted me to be, not being the girl you ended up wanting to give your time to. Mostly I’m sorry for begin the girl you can’t be cool with after a break up.

I’m writing you this because I need to explain myself – and no in a way that would excuse my behavior for blowing up your phone, or in a way that would make you want me again. Because I know that won’t happen. I’m writing this because I need closure, something I’m not getting from you – therefore, I need to provide it for myself. For us both, maybe even. I say that because I don’t know where are at with this. You said it’s over, but you never gave me a real reason why. I’m still trying to make sense of it. Just like I’m still trying to make sense of what Elias did. It’s crazy because I should be over that by now.

And, I am.

In a sense.

Or not.

I don’t really know.

I don’t really know because I never dealt with those issues. I never healed. I put on a pretty new band aid over all the hurt he left behind. I put a new band aid on that was cute, and charming, and intelligent, and man, oh man, could that band-aid make me laugh. The truth is though… I only chose the band-aid because of the aisle I got it out of. I chose sit for all the wrong reasons – even worse, I started to like it, and pretty soon… I forgot about what it was hiding; the ugliness and the hurt and the pain and the betrayal I still felt from Elias. I forgot about it all, but I never healed.

You see the problem?

When the bandaid was ripped away; not only was there the sudden, stinging slap from the removal… but I was also slapped with the reminder of the previous betrayal and all the pain and the hurt that had never properly healed.

I’m sorry for the analogy and comparing you to a bandaid, but I felt it described the situation best. I used to pretend my problems and issues weren’t there, but they were and I should have dealt with them before getting involved with someone new. When you broke up with me, the reason it was so hard – it wasn’t because I’m crazy and totally psycho and going to be obsessed with you for the rest of my life.

It was because I was already hurting.

Even if I was able to pretend for a time that I wasn’t, I was and that’s the fact of it.

When you broke up with me, all those pre-existing and still unresolved issues resurfaced. That was why it hit me as hard as it did, and that’s why I overreacted the way that I did.

I’m sorry.

I’ll probably never know and never understand what happened, and what changed between us. And I need to be okay with that. I will be, eventually.

It honestly hurt so much that you walked away because I truly believed you wouldn’t. I believed it because I wanted to believe it. I needed to. I’m sorry for burdening you wight hat expectation and with my insecurities and issues.

I’m sorry for not being the person you thought I was, and for not being the person you wanted to give your time.

I genuinely think you are a wonderful person and I apologize for all the hurtful things I have said since the break up. I think you’re going to do amazing things in your life and I’m sorry I wont be there to see it, nor experience it by your side.

I’m sorry, and I wish you the best in life.

Love always,

The Girl with the Elephant Tattoo

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An Open Letter to My Person

She is my Person. If I killed someone, she is the one that would help me drag the corpse across the floor. She is my Person.

– Christina Yang (Grey’s Anatomy)

Jemima,

For a while, we were calling each other best friends. I wish I could take it back. Because, honestly, it is almost insulting to you and how much you meant to me. A best friend is someone who is there for you and hangs out with you all the time and is always on the phone with you – but best fiends come and go. You can have, like, a million of them in your lifetime. You can fall out with them and never speak to them again, they would mean nothing to you in years, and you might not even remember them or their face.

A Person is different though. When you have a Person, they are all the same things, but better – like they are your second half; and if you ever fall out with them, they are irreplaceable and never forgotten. They will always love each other and always cherish their friendship. They can sit in silence with you for hours, and that silence will mean and say more than words could ever. Jus their presence is enough. You can not talk for a month – and pick up again like nothing happened. Its like having another half you never knew you were missing.

That was what you were to me; you were the better half of me. It took me this long to figure it out though.

I’m not asking to be close friends again, or to go back to what we were – what we had and shared. I just wanted to you to know how much I loved you, still do, and always will. I will always cherish our friendship, no matter how fleeting it may have been – bc you it meant everything to me. Being your friend meant everything to me.

I’m sorry I pushed you tog o out w me so much.

I’m sorry I tried so hard to push you to break up with Linc – I only wanted what was best for you, I only wanted you to stop hurting. You were my Person; and when you hurt, I hurt.

To be honest, my life has fallen apart since we broke up – if you will. I went over it last night (drunkenly, of course) and kept thinking and wondering when it was exactly that everything started and when it was I started to act out – it was the exact time we fell out, or at least give or take a few days.

I fell apart and I lost it.

I know that having you as my friend again wont change that. You may have been my voice of reason, but I need to be my own now. I need to figure out how to be my own Person now – to fill in the parts of me that you used to fill.

I love you so much and I truly hope you are happy and well – you meant so much to me, still do, and always will.

Love Always,

India xxx